Author: ROWI

Taking Back Your Power As A Parent:

It felt like yesterday that your teen listened to you. They may have even liked you [shock]. It was only a week ago that you asked them how their day was and they actually told you. Now…crickets.

When it comes to power as a parent, it’s not just cleaning rooms and keeping curfew that we are talking about, it’s parents wanting and needing to be heard when their teens are putting themselves in life threatening situations. Parents want their power back, and I don’t blame them. Taking power back starts with how you define power. When we look at a healthy family system there is an element of control and respect that parents have in the sense that they are creating the rules and structure of the household. However, we also think that bringing your power back as a parent comes from re-attaching and re-connecting to your teen.

It is an incredibly difficult transition for parents when their teens go from really looking up to them and wanting to spend time and connect with them to the sudden changes that middle and high school bring. Now, their peers are the people they want to spend time with and the predominant influence in their lives. While this is natural, and for the most part healthy, it is a weight on the family system. It has been my experience as a family therapist that parents most often lose their power when it becomes more about the power and less about the relationship.

Traditional parenting philosophies are really supported by the idea that because you are a parent you innately deserve and are entitled to respect and power. While I agree with that sentiment, what I find most often with the teens that I am working with is that they do not typically feel respected or trusted by their parents and they feel like they then have a right to be disrespectful back.

Oftentimes, the key to a parent getting their power back is to form good and meaningful connections with their teens by reevaluating family roles and communication styles and reconnecting in an authentic way. Really ask yourself how you communicate with your kid – is it working? I spend nearly all of my day communicating with teens and understand how challenging it can be. Even in my own work as an adolescent therapist, I notice myself pseudo-parenting to a degree, but I am forced to remind myself that teens just want to be listened to, and most often their desire is to be listened to by their parents.

It seems so counterintuitive that our love and protective nature for our teens could be the biggest downfall in our communication but it often is. This love and protection lead us to wanting to solve our kids’ problems for them, or judge their problems, or fix their problems. It’s harder to listen to what someone needs when you are in problem-solving mode.It also sends them the message that we don’t trust that they are capable of doing it themselves. Then we find that kids no longer want to go to their parents when they are hurting and in trouble, and this is dangerous. Now they are going to their friends, and their friends are the ones with all the power. “How do I get my parenting power back?” is the same as asking, “How can I get my kid to talk to me?” The most powerful tool we have as parents is the connection we have to our children. Teens want structure and they want boundaries, and they want their parents to be in control. It’s just how we as parents go about exerting that power that can create positive or negative family power dynamics.

Contact us for more information at (805) 356-3477.

By Brittany Cohen

Addiction in Adolescents

Researchers estimate that between 50-90% of teens in treatment for substance-use disorders also have diagnosable mental disorders.

Most physicians, psychiatrists and scientists now believe that addiction is a brain disease, and addiction progresses much faster in adolescents for three basic reasons:

1. The teens developing brain and other vital organs are extremely vulnerable to the toxic effects of alcohol and drugs;
2. Teens start using drugs at an early age, often beginning in middle school or even elementary school; and
3. Teens often combine multiple drugs, which dramatically increases their risk of brain damage and drug addiction.

At ROWI, we offer the highest quality mental health and addiction treatment for teens and their families. Learn more about the services we offer and the diagnoses we treat. Or contact us to learn how we can help your family.

While screens are stealing our teens’ attention, they’re also taking away their joy.  Social media and technology use are now directly linked to the increase in depression for teens. The statistics for teen depression and suicide began rising in 2012. At the very same time, teens access to smartphones also rose. Jean Twenge, Psychology Professor at U.C.S.D. and author of iGen explains that this is no coincidence.

Twenge cites two data sets to reveal that time spent online is linked to mental health issues. A study of more than 500,000 adolescents nationwide found that teens who spent three or more hours on their phones or other electronic devices were 34% more likely to suffer from at least one depressive episode. This includes feeling hopeless to seriously considering suicide. That number jumped to 48 percent for teens online five or more hours a day.

A 15-year-old high school sophomore with her whole life ahead of her recently admitted to making a suicide plan. She confessed her greatest distress came from Instagram. For many teens, social media pages become an extension of their self-worth. A popularity report card that is always being graded, without ever passing. With a brain that isn’t fully developed, teens do not have the capacity to self-regulate and unplug. It is literally affecting the wiring of their brains.  Adults are also affected by the same re-wiring. That is why it is so important for parents to put healthy guidelines, practices and modeling in place to help their teens.

While your kids most likely will be resistant, call a family meeting about your social media use. Make sure the grown-ups are a part of this discussion about screen time and balance. Many teens are equally discouraged that their parents are distracted by their phones. True connection and feeling understood is the greatest weapon against depression. As parents you can prevent and help heal your child’s hopelessness by whole-heartedly engaging with them.

Let’s look at ways to limit screen time. This should not be delivered as a punishment or consequence for the teen, but as a practice of finding balance for the whole family.

• Set up tech time as a break after other work, chores or outside activities take place. So that tech time doesn’t come first, and it doesn’t happen automatically.
• Make up a technology contract. Include everyone, even parents.  This will look different for every family.  But put it in writing.  You can include specific times of day and the length of time.
• Put restriction controls on your teen’s devices.

A couple of monitoring sites are K9 Web Protection or Family Cyber Alert.

• Have consequences in place for violations of the technology rules. This will be in the contract ahead of time so that there are no surprises.  Have everyone sign the contract.
• Collect phones at bedtime so there isn’t a temptation.

The climate of our fast-paced world has led to more convenient ways of communicating and yet in the midst of all these advancements we are a society that is forgetting how to truly talk with each other. This generation is growing up less prepared to handle real world interactions with future instructors, bosses and relationships. But you can shift that tide in your own home. Pay attention to and limit how often everyone is retreating to their own spaces. Create time to be together, technology free.  You may find this opens up your teen to share more of what’s going on in their world. If it’s too difficult to handle the impact of technology addiction with your teen ROWI is here to help. Contact us using our online form or call (805) 356-3477.

Up next in our series on teen depression we are going to look at how a parent’s use of technology can impact their teen. Your attention is more important in their lives than you realize.